How to Win at Arguing With Your Partner or Anyone Else (for that Matter)

The other day, I wandered across a post in a social media group that caught my attention. Like most posts on these platforms, it starts with someone sharing their perspective of an experience that they had. In most cases, they’re not really interested in hearing another perspective on their issue. Usually, validation and approval is what they’re seeking. They want to let others know, exactly, what they’re feeling. Their retelling of the experience might include little detail, which doesn’t give the onlookers much satisfaction. However, letting it all out or venting is the way (in my Mandalorian voice) in which these things work.


The readers wants all of the juicy details to decide on whether or not to fully invest time and energy into reading the post (and the comments). That post, in particular, just so happened to be one of those posts, that had the necessary elements to draw others into the fray. As I read the post, I asked a clarifying question to determine how clear I was in understanding the poster’s point of view. I didn’t want to assume that I had all of the information based on what I had read in front of me.


The issue with assuming that we know what the other person is thinking is a recipe for disaster, which leads to further disconnection and misunderstanding between those involved. In my opinion, it’s a lack of respect for the other person. I believe that we owe it to ourselves to put ourselves in a position of receiving what we need from the other person. It doesn’t mean that we have to agree. Simply, that we’re open to hearing their perspective. Hence, the clarifying question is bringing clarity and understanding into the mix. Ultimately, landing us in a position of alignment and improved connection.

Often it requires time to disrupt and interrupt the chaos created by disagreements in our relationships. A willingness to engage from a place of curiosity is important to building a bridge. Without this bridge, the flow of traffic is non existent. What happens when traffic is not moving?

Photo by Aayush Srivastava on

It leads to anger, frustration, resentment, anxiety, etc. These feelings cause us to go into fight or flight mode. That’s right the stress response kicks in, which impacts the ability to communicate our feelings and needs with a level of reason. When reason goes out the door, you can forget about a reasonable resolution. If we’re not in tune with ourselves, we’ll continue to spiral out of control until we return to ourselves. If you struggle with staying caught in your emotions, listen to my podcast episode on releasing negative emotions.

As that energy subsides, we have the ability to return to listening for understanding, clarifying for understanding, and providing our point of view to bring about a resolution for the situation. At the end of the day, a resolution is the what we want. Working towards that resolution with a win-win in mind is the way for winning the arguments, which doesn’t fit the social media drama model. And, there’s nothing wrong with that!

Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM)

In case, you didn’t know October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month or DVAM. What is DVAM? It’s a time in which many domestic violence organizations and their supporters come together to honor the ones who have lost their lives, support survivors, and those in the field work together to raise the awareness levels of the community members. Across the nation, individuals are asked to take a stand against this insidious crime. Here’s a history lesson on DVAM from the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence.

As a man, why did I chose this topic of discussion? Well, I think it’s time for good guys to stand up for the voiceless. It’s not enough to agree, that harming your loved ones is bad. Yes, that’s true!  But, are you willing to talk to your abusive friend?  Can you point your neighbor, who’s been abused, to the closest resource (NDVH or to DV experts in your local area) for help? Or, do we turn a blind eye and a deaf ear? That is my fear. All to often, victims feel alone due to the isolation from friends and families.  The days of worrying, only, for your four and no more are not going to cut it.  People are losing their lives on a daily basis. Children are experiencing trauma from growing up in a home with an abusive parent using power and control over their partner. It’s about time to connect what we know inside of our heads as wrong to how we feel in our hearts about the wrong doing being done in this society.

What is domestic violence? Simply put! It’s when an individual exerts their will by any means necessary on another person. That can happen in many forms, i.e. physical, sexual, emotional, intimidation, threats, coercion, and financial abuse.  Typically, the most common form of violence is physical in nature. Most of us are familiar with the physical laying of hands on a partner. Here are a few stats about domestic violence:

  • 1 in 3 women & 1 in 4 men have been victims of [some form of] physical violence by an intimate partner within their lifetime.
  •  1 in 4 women & 1 in 7 men have been victims of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
  • 1 in 7 women & 1 in 18 men have been stalked by an intimate partner during their lifetime to the point in which they felt very fearful or believed that they or someone close to them would be harmed or killed.
  • It takes a person 7 attempts to leave and not return to a domestic violence situation. Once they leave, they are at the greatest danger of losing their lives.
    man and woman wearing brown leather jackets

    If you’ve never experienced this inside of your home or with a family member, consider yourself blessed. It’s not an easy,  but the support is necessary if the survivor desires the help.  I’ve spent the last 15+ years working with families, that have been torn apart. They’ve come to live in shelters, with very few things from their homes, searching for a place of solace.  A place of peace where they don’t have to walk on egg shells.  For the first time in a long time, some are able to rest without fear.  Unfortunately, for some, fear is ever present.  And, even though, they are experiencing a place of peace and rest. Many are dealing with the shame and guilt associated with being a survivor of the abuse. For those of us in the field, we dedicate our lives to facilitate the healing process.  Unfortunately, not all will find their healing. But, we continue to fight and educate. Most importantly, we love!

    Photo by Vera Arsic on