A Father Heard

I Tell You What!!!

November 5, 2018November 5, 2018 A Father Heard

If you haven’t heard it, let me be the first to tell you that marriage and parenting are AWESOME. However, they require a lot of work. If you’re not committed to putting in the work, then you might as well not embark on the journey.

Case in point!

My wife and I have been fighting an uphill battle with getting our toddler to sleep. She’s approaching three years of age, and one would think that she’s never had a sleep routine. And, she does. However, she’s determined to make the routine work in her favor.

Every day for as long as I can remember, we put her in her bed. She gets up. We put her back in the bed. She gets up. And, the same song and dance goes on and on until she falls asleep hours after putting her into her room.

We make the room comfortable for her. We make sure that she has music. We. We. We are putting in a lot of effort. But, the result on most nights is the same.

So, I decided to try something different. I set the firm boundary as directed in some parenting material on bedtime. However, I didn’t give the memo to her mother. Well, I did leave the material on the table. But, I didn’t let her know that I was prepared to use it.

What transpired next is that the failure to communicate led to a breakdown in further communication between my wife and I. Uh oh! How exactly did that happen? I’m so glad that you asked.

Well, I’m the firm one. My wife is firm in her own way. And, our daughter is very aware of this dynamic. After I set my firm boundary, which worked for quite some time until her mother arose from her studies. We found ourselves back at square one. This time, I decided that I was no longer a participant in the song and dance. I exited stage left. As I left, I stated that the two of them would have to decided who was going to be the boss without my input. That’s not a direct quote. But, something to that effect.

No harm! No foul! Or, so I thought!

My loving wife, who hadn’t been very firm with our child, became firm with her loving husband. Uh oh!

Now, we’re communicating. For the record, we weren’t cussing and yelling and screaming. However, the short conversation was very unproductive. Which means I went in my room and she continued putting the child to sleep. (You notice she went from my daughter to the child…right?)

In our frustration, we left it alone until the morning. Tension continues growing. And, everyone is in a bad mood. No one is courageous enough to put pride aside and talk to the other, and we let it fester. After the kids get out of the car for school, we attempt to have an assertive conversation about the previous night. Attempt. Both, still, in our feelings about the other’s actions makes it difficult to understand the other’s position. But, we tried and failed!

Eventually, we made it back on to the same page. It took the distance and time created by the work day. By the end of the day, we had grown tired of being frustrated and angry with each other. We gave the other the benefit of the doubt. We were able to, adequately, express our position and own our part in the situation.

So, It wasn’t my intention to hurt her feelings. It wasn’t her intention to hurt mine. Despite our intentions, we didn’t Speak Life into our situation. We allowed the song and dance of the bedtime routine to uncover our vulnerabilities as parents! And, I tell you what…

I’m glad that we did! Now, we’re a more united front in this thing called marriage and parenthood.

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What has Your Faith System Taught You About Yourself?

October 29, 2018October 29, 2018 A Father Heard

When you think about faith and it’s impact on your life? What is the first thing that comes to your mind? What rises up in your flesh; as well as, your spirit? What do you take hold of as apart of your own beliefs? What do you cast off by the way side?

When one begins to think about faith, how did they come to a particular faith or lack of faith? Are you, merely, operating out of what you were taught by your parents? Perhaps, your faith is due to being born in a certain region of the world. No matter how you came to a particular belief system, you must learn something about you as a person. If you’re not learning and growing; you’re, fooling yourself!

“’Christians’ need to be asked some serious questions. I’m tired of how shallow most people’s faith is…”–Joshua Banks

The statement above came from a good friend of mine after an interesting conversation about knowing oneself. Particularly, how faith is a key component of knowing oneself. For me, it is the rudder steering the ship of my life. When I’m most aligned with my belief system, my ship is full steam ahead. At times, I find myself out of alignment for numerous reasons. Consequently, I experience difficulties with navigating the ship. The waters become murky. The waves are larger than life itself. Next thing you know, I’m way off course. Once I come to my senses, my faith is quickly restored. Now, I’m moving in the right direction.

All too often, we don’t study, practice, and teach our beliefs. When we neglect any or all of these, we can find ourselves in a position of not knowing who we are. We start acting and behaving in ways, which are not consistent with our character. Most importantly, not consistent with our professed system of faith. Or, we find ourselves going through the motions. Merely, faking it! What happens when we stop faking it?

When we begin to draw near to God, He draws near to us. If you’re not familiar with the story of the Prodigal Son, you can find it here. The story tells us about a young man, who left home with an inheritance. He went off to a far off place, where He was doing any and everything under the sun. At some point after wasting his inheritance, the son comes to himself and returns to his home. He had become unrecognizable. As he is approaching, his father recognizes him. Then, runs to receive him with open arms. Ultimately, the father throws a welcome home party for the son.

His identity was quickly restored through his actions. Despite his waywardness, he was the exact same person that his father always knew. His father knew, solely, based on their relationship. Despite the distance and the son’s behavior, their relationship hadn’t changed one bit for the father. The father knew himself. It was the son, who lost sight of himself.

At the same time, while this father and son is rekindling their relationship, the other son is having a case of amnesia brought on by his own identity crisis. He, too, didn’t know who he was to his father. And, he hadn’t left the house. He had been there the whole time, and didn’t recognize his own worth and value. He didn’t realize the love, that was ever present for him.

As a father, I can say that I love my two children equally. There’s no favoritism of one over the other. However, our relationships are very different. I see them as individuals. Therefore, I love them differently. But, I don’t love one more than the other. No matter what they do. I love them!

Back to the question at hand. What does my faith system tell me about myself? My faith tells me, that I’m loved by the most high. It tells me, that the Creator is delighted in me. That he knew me inside of my mother’s womb. With this knowledge, I understand that there’s nothing that I can do to add to it or take away from that love. And, as the song states “I’m fully known and loved!”

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Fatherhood is Important!

October 21, 2018November 5, 2018 A Father Heard

The thought of not being able to see my children for an extended period of time is unfathomable to me. Yet in this country, there are 19.7 million children living without a father in the home according to the 2017 U.S. Census Bureau. This figure is down from 25.4 million children a few years ago. But, it’s still unacceptable! If it doesn’t upset you, then you must not understand the importance of fathers to their families.

When we look at the impact of a father’s absence, we see how lives are touched in a negative way. Check out the info graph created by the National Fatherhood Initiative for facts on this father crisis. A father’s absence can manifest in a child’s life as the following:

Increased risk for teen pregnancy
Increased risk for criminal behavior and jail time
Increased risk of poverty
Decreased health outcomes for mother and child
Poor educational outcomes.
Increased risk of substance abuse
Increased risk for obesity

I’m sure that you’ve seen how this plays out in homes across the country. Dad leaves (or is not in the home) for whatever reason, and the family begins to suffer. The mother-father relationship is fractured. The parent-child relationship is strained. And, the child is trying to make sense of who they are in this world. As well as, processing whether or not they are loved by their parents. Ultimately, the children begin to act out!

Through it all, this fact remains to be true. The dad is impacted by his absence on a much deeper level than people realize. I’m convinced of this state…the more that I work with fathers. With the exception of those really bad apples, a large majority of the fathers want to play a role in the lives of their children. He is the one, who sees his role as provider, protector, and teacher of his children. He is the role model for his son on how a man is to treat women. He is the model for his daughter on how she is to be treated by men. The family, which is believed by many to be the foundation of society, is operating at a huge deficit. When the family unit suffers, our society is guaranteed to suffer.

Where are the fathers? Why aren’t they sticking around for the long haul? Why was involved, responsible, and committed not a part of his story. There are so many valid reasons. Of them all, shame and guilt is the biggest culprit in my mind. You don’t know how many times, we’ve had men opt out on a relationship with their children because they felt inadequate as a father. They’re not making the kind of money, that they want to make. Therefore, they don’t go around to see their kids. In their minds, it’s a valid excuse. But, time is more important than the money. The statistics above prove that too us. Many times, it’s the mom withholding the child. Why? She’s frustrated that it didn’t work out, and this is how to get back at him. All too often, the family leaves due to the father being violent towards the mom. Domestic violence is never the way to lead as a father!

“A true father should be a standard feature…not a temporary option!”–Isaac Rowe

If you’re a father, and you’re reading this article. Do whatever is in your power to stay involved, responsible, and committed to meeting the needs of your children. Their well-being is counting on it. Most importantly, your legacy is being created one way or another. How you walk that out is completely up to you! My prayer is that at the end of your life, your children (as well as mine) and their mothers will have nothing short of praise for us! Hopefully, our absence will not leave an abyss in our families. But, will flood their hearts with the most important thing a father has to offer. LOVE!

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Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM)

October 6, 2018October 8, 2018 A Father Heard

In case, you didn’t know October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month or DVAM. What is DVAM? It’s a time in which many domestic violence organizations and their supporters come together to honor the ones who have lost their lives, support survivors, and those in the field work together to raise the awareness levels of the community members. Across the nation, individuals are asked to take a stand against this insidious crime. Here’s a history lesson on DVAM from the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence.

As a man, why did I chose this topic of discussion? Well, I think it’s time for good guys to stand up for the voiceless. It’s not enough to agree, that harming your loved ones is bad. Yes, that’s true! But, are you willing to talk to your abusive friend? Can you point your neighbor, who’s been abused, to the closest resource (NDVH or to DV experts in your local area) for help? Or, do we turn a blind eye and a deaf ear? That is my fear. All to often, victims feel alone due to the isolation from friends and families. The days of worrying, only, for your four and no more are not going to cut it. People are losing their lives on a daily basis. Children are experiencing trauma from growing up in a home with an abusive parent using power and control over their partner. It’s about time to connect what we know inside of our heads as wrong to how we feel in our hearts about the wrong doing being done in this society.

What is domestic violence? Simply put! It’s when an individual exerts their will by any means necessary on another person. That can happen in many forms, i.e. physical, sexual, emotional, intimidation, threats, coercion, and financial abuse. Typically, the most common form of violence is physical in nature. Most of us are familiar with the physical laying of hands on a partner. Here are a few stats about domestic violence:

1 in 3 women & 1 in 4 men have been victims of [some form of] physical violence by an intimate partner within their lifetime.
1 in 4 women & 1 in 7 men have been victims of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
1 in 7 women & 1 in 18 men have been stalked by an intimate partner during their lifetime to the point in which they felt very fearful or believed that they or someone close to them would be harmed or killed.
It takes a person 7 attempts to leave and not return to a domestic violence situation. Once they leave, they are at the greatest danger of losing their lives.

If you’ve never experienced this inside of your home or with a family member, consider yourself blessed. It’s not an easy, but the support is necessary if the survivor desires the help. I’ve spent the last 15+ years working with families, that have been torn apart. They’ve come to live in shelters, with very few things from their homes, searching for a place of solace. A place of peace where they don’t have to walk on egg shells. For the first time in a long time, some are able to rest without fear. Unfortunately, for some, fear is ever present. And, even though, they are experiencing a place of peace and rest. Many are dealing with the shame and guilt associated with being a survivor of the abuse. For those of us in the field, we dedicate our lives to facilitate the healing process. Unfortunately, not all will find their healing. But, we continue to fight and educate. Most importantly, we love!

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Trust the Process

October 3, 2018October 6, 2018 A Father Heard

If you didn’t get a chance to take a look at my last article, feel free to check it out here. Most of today was, pretty much, filled with speakers and attendees sharing pictures and take-a-ways from the conference. As one of the co-founders, I really didn’t have the opportunity to enjoy the event like the attendees. There were mishaps with communication, a sick keynote, and many other things. The RSVP’s didn’t match up with the number in attendance, and they never do. But, don’t get me wrong! What I took away from the event is to TRUST THE PROCESS. Yes, I realize that typing in all caps has a particular meaning. But, I don’t care! The conference was off the chain!

All too often, we get caught up in the details at the expense of the overall goal. We idolize the minute details, while ignoring the big picture. The details serve a purpose to get us to the destination. The finished product. Why don’t we always have the faith to believe the outcome will happen, exactly, as it is meant to happen? TRUST THE PROCESS means to let go of everything that you don’t have control over in the moment. The band might not be able to make it. OK! Where do we go from this point? Breathe and relax! Guess what? They were able to make it after all. What do you mean the closing keynote is sick? No worries! Dude on the team is an amazing speaker, and ready to fill in the need. And, he showed up and showed out for us!

Isn’t that what life is all about? Something unexpected happens, then you assess the situation and respond. Adapt and overcome! Recognize that change might become a part of your process. When soldiers are in combat and things start to get stressful, they breathe. Why? To gain control of their emotions in order to assess the situation and make appropriate decisions. The more chaotic the situation, the calmer you need to be in that situation. That allows you the ability to gain clarity, which lends itself to being able to TRUST THE PROCESS.

Now, I’m not saying to neglect the details. That is part of the process. You can’t make a cake without all the ingredients. You can’t fix a car without the necessary parts. The details serve a purpose. Just don’t get fixated on them! The blueprint is not the actual building! It’s your guide along the journey! So, sit back and enjoy the ride! That’s what we ultimately did…at the celebration dinner! Always, TRUST THE PROCESS.